TV By Novelists - Pt 3

I love TV and books Sometimes I mash them up on Twitter.  Which I also love.

“Boyd; the Digital Boy” Isaac Asimov examines a computer program that downloads into a real child and runs away from home #TVbyNovelists

“Citizen Goode” W.E.B. Du Bois’ HBO miniseries about Philadelphia’s first black Mayor; focusing on his violent term in office #TVbyNovelists

“Gypsy Fables” JK Rowling’s Twin Sisters weave a secret fairy tale to escape from poverty in the frozen, Michigan wasteland #TVbyNovelists

“Murder Inc” Truman Capote’s hospital drama about a well-paid hatchet man for an insurance co and his sudden organ failure #TVbyNovelists

“Closed Circuit PD” Ray Bradbury’s panopticon procedural about cops solving crime in a misleading world of endless recordings #TVbyNovelists

“Lost Signal” Tennessee Williams’ character study of a cell phone salesman & his mad schemes to control everyone in his life #TVbyNovelists

“future me,” EE Cummings story of a man who receives letters from his 9 year old self that inspire him to finally become a writer #TVbyNovelists

“Anywhere Engine” Carl Sagan’s ensemble about engineers of a machine that moves in time/space and accidentally erases them from history #TVbyNovelists

TV by Novelists - Pt 2

Imaginary TV shows I dreamed up in the vein of 20th century-ish novelists.  Join in on twitter with#TVbyNovelists - We’ll retweet you!

“Billion Year Bandit” H.G. Wells’ time traveling thief steals priceless art from history and sells it in the distant future #TVbyNovelists

“Cupid Jones” G. B. Shaw’s FOX cartoon about the outrageous sex life of a rich, immature bachelor looking for his true love #TVbyNovelists

“Anchorage” Jack London’s frontier, legal drama about a prosecutor who frames a potentially innocent man for murder #TVbyNovelists

“Scotland Attic” Arthur Conan Doyle’s sci-fi procedural about steampunk detectives, Abigail & Ernest, hunting monsters for the Queen #TVbyNovelists

“Drama of Dreams” L.F. Baum’s traveling sideshow use smoke and mirrors to rob banks and spread hope in depression era Kansas #TVbyNovelists

“Daddy” Upton Sinclair introduces us to a man who must secretly return to performing in gay porn to support his wife and kids #TVbyNovelists

“Alter Boys” Kafka’s teen drama about catholic school kids given god-like mental powers and how it mangles their friendships #TVbyNovelists

“Source” Joseph Conrad’s prime-time soap about 1940’s gossip mongers for a trashy celebrity tabloid and the dirty secrets they keep #TVbyNovelists

“Super Ali” Rudy Kipling’s spy show about a Pakistani Scientist forced to create super-soldiers for the American Empire #TVbyNovelists

TV By Novelists - Pt 1

This is my new favorite thing to do on Twitter; elevator pitches in the style of 20th century authors:

“Dot Com” Tom Wolfe’s period piece about the love lives of 20 year old millionares before the Web bubble burst #TVbyNovelists

“The Kane Party” J.R.R. Tolkien’s 1843 western about a caravan of Irish immigrants on the Oregon trail #TVbyNovelists

“The Partners” Frank Herbert’s crime thriller about a lawyer who must work for the mob when he inherits his father’s firm #TVbyNovelists

“Drive” Jack Kerouac’s hour long drama about a Cabbie driving cross country in his yellow taxi, solving people’s problems #TVbyNovelists

“Machine World” Harper Lee’s coming of age story about a girl growing up fast when her father goes to prison for embezzlement #TVbyNovelists

“The Round Room” Joseph Heller’s political thriller about a man elected to President of the US who cracks under the pressure #TVbyNovelists

“Jupiter Project” L. Ron Hubbard’s sci-fi mystery about a satellite that begins receiving messages from the future #TVbyNovelists

“Zombie” Albert Camus’ medical show about a brilliant physician who loses his job to drugs and becomes a back alley doctor #TVbyNovelists

“The Cola Barons” John Steinbeck’s day time soap opera about The greedy and fabulous heirs of a soft drink empire #TVbyNovelists

“Bliss” Philip Roth’s FX series about a runaway bride addicted to weddings and her fresh start in 1960’s Las Vegas. #TVbyNoelists

“Channel 1” George Orwell’s sitcom about the staff and the spin of a 24 Hour cable news network#TVbyNovelists

“The Dream Box” Ayn Rand’s high concept drama about a woman who wakes up as a different person in a new body every day #TVbyNovelists

“Two Wrongs” Mark Twain’s slow and poignant procedural about a Con Man and the US Marshall out to catch him #TVbyNovelists

“The Boy’s League” F. Scott Fitzgerald’s teen drama about feuding prep schools in 1920’s Manhattan#TVbyNovelists

Who Wants to be a Jerk on TV?

About three years ago I was shopping around a short film that I'd made as my senior thesis. It was about super-heroes; a handicap that kept us out of some of the more popular festivals. We tried everywhere, this is just before YouTube, and I end up sending 500 DVD copies of my short all over the country.

It got rejected from more screens than it played on. Oddly enough though, the judges who rejected us passed the DVD on to their friends. It must have been the professional packaging I sprung for but people took the thing seriously in a comedic way, I guess. Occasionally I get e-mails from people telling me they liked it, they gave it to they're cousin, I should look into such and such a festival... Really encouraging stuff.

Eventually, someone interning at an LA production company tells me about another company they're working with and that company is developing a property for Mtv about super-heroes. He's going to get them a copy of my short. We don't know what the shows' about but Stan Lee is involved.

Fine, whatever. That's a year of my life - show anyone who'll watch.

After a long weekend I get a phone call. It's a pleasant woman from "Stan Lee's Super-Hero Project." Wow. Cool. She tells me they'd like to have the main character from my short, for their series. Amazing. I still don't know what the shows' about.

The woman tells me it's a game show where players compete to have they're super hero published in a comic book by Stan Lee. We'd be dressed as our creations and live together for up to 16 weeks. During which time we'd have to perform super-heroic feats, like battling super villains.

Super villains?

They planned to pitch the show to Mtv and get some of the standard Mtv celebrities to guest as bad-guys. The nice woman tried to sell me on playing dress up with Carmen Electra and Andy Dick. I've always wanted to melt Andy Dick with my laser eyes but I was somewhat underwhelmed and despite having nothing else to fall back on, I politely declined.

Next day she calls back and she's pretending like I didn't turn her down already. She's making plans to send me paper work and she wants to know if I still have the costume from the short. I'm expected to make an audition tape for the DVD casting special they plan to produce. I remind her that I'm not interested. She reminds me about Andy Dick.

There's a valley between us.

She keeps telling me I'm going to regret this, it's a missed opportunity. I should just put on the costume and make the audition tape. Just put on the costume and take some pictures of myself. I mention I didn't even star in the short, it was some other guy. She doesn't care, nobody cares, they need warm bodies.

It's at this point she loses the pleasant twinge to her voice and she turned into someone's mom. She scolded me for every other aspiring comic creator who turned her down. It was beyond her to reason why we were passing at this golden opportunity. She had confused us with the attention whores who'll debase themselves to get on television.

I tell her straight, I know they're going to misrepresent me. They have an agenda and I think it's crummy. They prey on people who don't know the difference between reality game show contestant, television actor and porn star.* Not in the pursuit of better television (as if such a thing as good television were even a regular occurrence) but to reinforce stereotypes about comic book fans that don't even exist anymore. Comic book movies make bank, you're making a super-hero television show, comic books are popular... Sort of.

We parted ways. It's that easy to not wind up an idiot on national television.

I'm pretty sure that show ended up as Sci-Fi's terrible Who Wants To Be A Super Hero?. And though I don't regret passing on the chance to be made a fool of, I'll always wonder what might have been had Andy Dick and I met on the field of combat.

*Actual order of their importance.

Arron Sorkin's Aquaman

WARNING: Short Fiction Ahead.

Art by Dan Govar.

So, picking up the gauntlet thrown down at Lurking Rhythmically, I present to you Aquaman as written by Arron Sorkin.

(The continuity is loose and fast like the dialogue)

ACT II

EXT./EST. The Atlantean Capital Building – Day

Senators, lawmakers, lawyers and lobbyists, representing hundreds of species of evolved sea life, mull about the capitol steps and busy forum.

INT. Capital Building Corridor – Cont

Garth swims along, Lorena catches up to him.

Lorena

I need a copy of the Nemo Act.

Garth

Try the library of Arion.

Lorena

Let’s pretend that I don’t know what that is.

We follow them into:

INT. lobby – Cont

Garth

What do you need with a 200-year-old 

border settlement?

Lorena

Sub-Diego City Council thinks it might 

clear up some–

Garth

Can I ask you a question?

Lorena

I haven’t finished answering the last one.

Garth

You heard about the Ocean Master thing?

Garth and Lorena continue into:

INT. Senate Chamber – Cont

The underwater environment allows for three-dimensional travel through space. Garth and Lorena enter through the top tier, the Senate is not currently in session and the hall is empty below them.

Lorena

He’s the King’s brother.

Garth

I know.

Lorena

If the World Court decides –

Garth

Yea.

They stop moving, hanging motionless in the water. Topo enters on a lower tier, speeding back the way they came.

Topo

Vulko’s office.

Garth

What?

Topo

It’s happening.

INT. Vulko’s Office – Moments Later

Lori Lemaris floats by the window looking over the Forum. Topo and Garth enter.

Topo

It’s happening?

Lori Lemaris

I’m not at liberty to –

Topo

Agent Lemaris, please spare me –

Vulko enters from behind them.

Vulko

The declaration was given at 8 past the tide. Code name: Shipwreck Blue. A rescue team will cross the reef, retrieve personnel and destroy any proprietary technology.

Topo

Is there time for a release?

Vulko

We go live in an hour. He wants to address 

the people before he leaves.

Topo bolts out the door.

Garth

leaves for where?

Vulko

He’s leading the operation.

Garth

Does he know about Orm?

Vulko

Yea.

Garth

We have to extradite him.

Vulko

Why?

Lori Lemaris

Death penalty.

Vulko looks back at Lori and pauses.

Vulko

Perhaps Her Highness will draft a letter.

Garth is appalled, he exits.

INT. King’s Chamber – Moments Later

Arthur’s office is huge, filled with maps and books. He dresses in armor. There’s a knock.

Arthur

Come in.

Garth enters.

Garth

Lord, if I may–

Arthur

Spit it out, Garth?

Garth

This is unnecessary.

Arthur

I don’t want to meet King Shark and his Axis of 

Awesome with just –

Garth

Why are you — excuse me, why are you going at all? 

It’s a rescue mission.

Arthur

As sovereign, I made a pledge to keep those 

soldiers safe.

Garth

You’re running away.

Arthur

Here we go.

Garth

A human court has your brother–

Arthur

He’s my brother but let’s not make this 

like he’s my brother.

Garth

It requires a political solution.

Arthur

He is a criminal.

Garth

They’ll kill him!

Arthur

He murdered my son!

Garth

The King is sworn to protect all Atlanteans not

just the ones he deems worthy!

Arthur pauses, suppresses his rage and responds coldly.

Arthur

You may go now.

Garth is disappointed and responds with sarcasm.

Garth

As you wish, Your Majesty.

Garth exits. Arthur dresses in armor.

End of Act Two